Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
