Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I deserve this hangover.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
