i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
