i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I don't deserve a penis
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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