I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
