theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
