Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
