FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
