I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
