I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
