I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
