You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
