Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize