I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
