I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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