She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
