You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize