Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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