The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
