Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
