Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
