I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
