What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
