Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
