Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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