my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
