I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
