I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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