Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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