Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
