ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
NoShamevember. You game?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
