Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
