i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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