This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
In other news, I just burned my penis
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
