Have you finally orgasmed yet?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
