I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
