if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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