I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
