Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
