I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
