oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
