when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
