i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I will pee on everything he values.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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