You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
