low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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