and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You need Xanax blowdarts
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
