he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
