I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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