We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
