So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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