You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
