This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
