i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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