I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
