I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
