i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
