I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
