haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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