I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
