forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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